“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
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During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Money is the root of all wealth
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.