“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
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Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done