Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
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At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower