Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
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My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?