@msdanifernandez

Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.

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@tigersgoroooar

Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.

@Marlebean

Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket

@coolbutgood

one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday

@Book_Krazy

I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”

@BlackCatBettie

“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.

@daemonic3

Caveman1: look, I invent wheel

Caveman2: what we do now?

Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel

Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet

@IamEveryDayPpl

In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…

They’ll be SO surprised!

@flashember

“Alex is visiting later tonight.”

Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?

[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.

@whimsik_l

I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.