Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
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Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
My typo game is string.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.