Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
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I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
I hate when that happens.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”