Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
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I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
My patience has stretch marks.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Ah yes. The three genders
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
My neck, my back, my…
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT