Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
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if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”