Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
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That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
And bowling should be called pinball
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food