DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
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Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
Just grow your own
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.