Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
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I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.