@Carbosly

Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?

This is God thanking them for bacon.

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@TheAlexNevil

It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.

@GarrettCake

“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life

@BobTheSuit

The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.

@jonnysun

i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”

@Cheeseboy22

I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.

@_SingleBabyMama

(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.

@JoParkerBear

America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.

@graceupongracie

Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude

@TheCatWhisprer

I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.

@jctwritesstuff

*gets up off bed*

*puts pants back on*

Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?