Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?

This is God thanking them for bacon.

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It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.


“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life


The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.


i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”


I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.


(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.


America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.


Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude


I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.


*gets up off bed*

*puts pants back on*

Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?