Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
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Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
Europe. Made in Germany.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.