@lynnbixenspan

Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?

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@EndhooS

[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle

@Maxine12333

‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.

@drewtoothpaste

I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.

@Darlainky

There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.

@SteveKoehler22

One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.

It didn’t work, unfortunately.

They found us.

@Cheeseboy22

Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.

@ArfMeasures

ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife

ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot

@TomE83_

Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.

@GrantTanaka

me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind

@RiotGrlErin

therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?

me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter