Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
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Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
Worst Native American name ever.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???