Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
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My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.