Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
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“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.