Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
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doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
They’re the worst 😩
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.