Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
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i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 馃憖
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you鈥檙e doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that鈥檚 ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
The greatest Halloween decoration you鈥檒l ever see
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 馃ゲ.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
(understanding 0% of what I鈥檓 being told as i鈥檓 getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I鈥檝e been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I鈥檝e ever used it I think we鈥檙e OK for a minute
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.