Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
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I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”