Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
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My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok