@ShitJokes

Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?

If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.

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@SufficientCharm

Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.

Don’t ask.

@HenpeckedHal

Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…

@tchrquotes

Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this

@SoVeryBritish

Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties

@notmythirdrodeo

Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.

@Sloppy_Tiger

[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.

@Quartzjixler

Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?

@MarloMeekins

F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks