Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
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“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,