Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS

millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND

*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”

the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop

[feeding the cat]

Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.

Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.

Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.

Cat: I’m really hurt.

Me:

Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.

Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.

I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.

Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history

EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you

EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast

EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off

Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.

Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?

Single and childfree like Jesus

My love language is Latin. It’s dead.

[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”

I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.

Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.

If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?

Asking for a friend.

who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?

I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.

Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.

me: i’ll just have one more bite

narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites

A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.

Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.

Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?

I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.

This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕

My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.

By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.

my mind

You just read my mind

After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.

[opens fortune cookie]

be careful what you wish for

[opens another]

this is your final warning

*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*