DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
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Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?