Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
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Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true