Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
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Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it