Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
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“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Social Media and Real life
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.