Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
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Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
lol
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.