Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
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Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?