“Did you read the fine print?”
Me: I didn’t even read the large print
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No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
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Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
I need someone to wring out my brain like a dishrag
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
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My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.