“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
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Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.