Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
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My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
when you don’t want to be too vague
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
I’m aging like a fine banana
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them