“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
You Might Also Like
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.