Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
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Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.