Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
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“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home