Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?

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When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.


Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*

Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.

Me: Where did your husband go to law school?

Client: He didn’t.

Me: So you should probably just do what he says.


In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up


If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something


When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.


If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.


Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”

If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.


inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no



1) Know when to hold em.

2) Know when to fold em.

3) Know when to walk away.

4) Know when to run.