@mkat816

Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?

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@iamfacciabella

When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.

@thepaulasuzanne

Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*

Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.

Me: Where did your husband go to law school?

Client: He didn’t.

Me: So you should probably just do what he says.

@UnimpressedWU

In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up

@SummerSongGirl

If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something

@sarapascoe

When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.

@Havish_AF

If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.

@OtherDanOBrien

Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”

If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.

@AndrewChamings

inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no

@CulturedRuffian

INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:

1) Know when to hold em.

2) Know when to fold em.

3) Know when to walk away.

4) Know when to run.