Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
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“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
This is my emotional support online shopping cart