Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
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Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Big Sex has us all fooled
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!