Did…did a minotaur write this
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Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep