didn’t even know there was an election going on. as a registered voter in the state of pennsylvania, i wish someone could text me 12-15 times a day in an increasingly desperate tone about this upcoming event, which i had forgotten about
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It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
I hope Google never goes down. I know like six, maybe seven, things.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
Catering service
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I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
News guy: The average person will consume around 4500 calories during the holidays.
Me: Pffft… amateurs.
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
A wise man once said nothing.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
Science is fun!
#nottrue
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[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.