Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
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*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
It be like that sometimes 😆
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal