Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
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The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎