Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
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you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
Food gives you energy to nap more.
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW