Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
You Might Also Like
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
I have a black belt in leather
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!