Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
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Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.