Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
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someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
consequences, the bane of my existence