didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
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him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
January is lasting longer than my marriage
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound