“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
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Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
did it work
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
Good boy 😂😂
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.