Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
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before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
superman landing like a plane on his belly
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?