Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
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When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
🦝🔥🦝🔥
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.