Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
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so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope