You Might Also Like
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
1 minute of washing machine time is equivalent to at least 24 hours of human time. They exist on a completely different scale. The machine said 2 minutes left 3 days ago, give me back my clothes you ba*****d.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
How to have a good marriage:
1. Hold hands
2. Cuddle
3. Take out the trash like I have been telling you to do ALL DAY Craig
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.