@longwall26

Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.

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@Brampersandon_

Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’

Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’

@Playing_Dad

*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here

@RobDenBleyker

In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.

@jjhartinger

hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.

@NotThatKevin

At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.

@1Tortured_soul

Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.

@junejuly12

It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.

@UncleDuke1969

“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”

@tchrquotes

SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD