Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
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If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
Are these grass-fed oranges?
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.